In honor of Movember, we sit down with Dr. Bea Mackay, a Vancouver-based author and registered psychologist, to discuss her innovative approach to men’s mental health. Dr. Mackay advocates for self-relationship over traditional labels, offering practical tools to address the root causes of anxiety, depression, and emotional struggles. —Noa Nichol
In a society that often shies away from discussing men’s mental health, how do you believe reframing self-relationship, rather than focusing on diagnoses, can help men tackle challenges like anxiety and depression?
I talk to men about their self-talk. We all have a relationship with ourselves; the quality of the self-talk is what matters. It is the one thing in our lives that we can control.
When we treat ourselves well and our energy is aligned and all going in the same direction. It’s available to handle whatever life hands us.
When we treat ourselves badly, our energy is opposed. It is not that we do not have any energy. It’s that our energy is busy handling the inner battle, so it’s not available to handle what life hands us. Our energy is not only wasted but causing us harm.
I view anxiety and depression NOT as causes but as symptoms of the inner battle. Anxiety is caused by scaring oneself. It is passive scaring.
I get men (and others) to own that they scare themselves (I find that the word fear doesn’t sit well with men, so I use ‘apprehensive‘). I tell them, “When you own that you are scaring yourself you can do it MORE or you can do it LESS. OR do something completely different.” I tell them they need to know HOW they make themselves apprehensive. (My manual Two-You Work; How to Work with the Self in Conflict spells out, in detail, how to do this work).
I find men like the logic of what I tell them as it makes sense. Once that happens, they are on board with what they need to change or shift. Once they experience significant change, they are convinced.
I frame it as they have a bad habit of making themselves nervous/apprehensive. Bad habits can be changed. Then I work with them to change the habit. I use everyday language (no jargon or technical terms to learn). For starters, I help them identify what their self-talk is and then they can decide what they keep and what they let go of.
The same goes for depression. People feel they are trapped, usually in a situation of some kind, and cannot get out of it. Their logic is usually flawed, and they may even know it, but they have mistaken beliefs programmed from early childhood that get in the way of them making the changes they need to make. I work with them to identify their mistaken beliefs (I’m not worthy, I’m evil, I’m not enough, etc.), deconstruct them, and help them to create new beliefs that are true in the here and now.
What are some practical tools or techniques you recommend to men looking to address their emotional struggles without relying on traditional labels?
Awareness is the key to change!
The breath is a tool with which we are already familiar. Babies are born knowing how to process their sensations. They have no cognitions/language; they are just a bundle of sensations. They cry, get excited, and if allowed to feel fully they naturally process their pleasant and unpleasant sensations/feelings.
Personal story:
When my grandson was around a year old, his parents would drop him off at my condo. When he heard my voice on the intercom he would squeal with delight, and his whole body responded.
When children are shut down from crying or getting too excited, they hold their breath and stifle the sensations to manage them. The sensations do not dissipate but instead go underground in the mind and fester there.
When I was around 3-ish I remember my dad harshly saying to me, “If you’re going to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about.” I remember holding my breath and trying to squeeze my tear ducts in reaction to his threat.
How has your work in Integrative Psychotherapy and EMDR helped men who are navigating mental health challenges, especially in reducing stigma around seeking help?
Integrative Psychotherapy focuses on the quality of sensations.
Babies are born knowing how to process their feelings (specifically the sensations). Babies intuitively breathe through the sensations, which come in waves. When a child is allowed to cry they cry fully and deeply and in usually a few minutes the waves get smaller and smaller until they are gone. There is nothing to manage. When a child stifles their crying (for many reasons) the painful unpleasant sensations go into the background or underground and pile up there.
Eventually, as we grow older, there can be such a backlog of painful sensations (hurt, grief, abandonment, loneliness, etc.) that a person can no longer manage them. This often results in a mid-life crisis that takes the form of explosion, violence, and/or loss of control. OR this backlog can cause implosion, depression, and the inability to function in daily life. OR it can cause sickness (cancer, liver, failure, etc.)
I help men increase their awareness of self by directing them to notice the sensations in their bodies. In the beginning stages, they usually say “I feel nothing. I just feel numb”. I respond, “I believe you because you have disconnected from your body. You can talk about your body, analyse it but not feel it. How do we know we are alive? We know we’re alive because of the sensations we experience from our senses–sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch, and extrasensory.“
Then I guide them through exercises that reconnect them to their bodies; this results in feeling grounded and solid within themselves. It takes some time to feel connected, but when they do, they feel human again. They get the importance of paying attention to the sensations and just staying with them.
With Movember raising awareness around men health, what message would you like to convey to men hesitant about addressing their mental well-being?
Come alive: Shift from managing your sensations (of your emotions) to processing them. You were born knowing how to do it.
Can you share any specific insights from your books, Let Go of the Outcome or Let Things Fall Together, that you believe could inspire men to focus on their personal growth and resilience?
A lot of men come to me because they have detached from their bodies and feel like robots. I gave one such man a copy of my book Let Go of the Outcome and Let Things Fall Together. At our next session, he told me he started reading it, couldn’t put it down, and finished it in 3 hours.
Men tell me they love the book’s easy-to-understand language, AND the graphics (diagrams, photos, pictures, etc.) It makes what I’m teaching so easy to get!
In my book, the material is presented in ‘spreads’ (every two pages facing each other). The Logic (left brain) material is on one page, and the sensory (right brain) material is on the opposite page. This arrangement engages both brains simultaneously, which facilitates learning and insight.
share:
Be the first to comment