The holidays can bring unexpected reunions—whether it’s running into an old crush at a festive gathering or reconnecting with “the one that got away” over holiday drinks. But is rekindling a hometown romance really a good idea? Bumble’s Sex & Relationships Expert Shan Boodram shares her expert advice on navigating these tricky encounters, from setting boundaries to knowing when to move on. If you’re thinking of revisiting the past this season, Shan has the tips to help you make the right call. —Noa Nichol
Why do you think the holidays often inspire people to consider reconnecting with old flames or past relationships?
There’s a term I learned last year for this, it’s called Marleying (named after a character in Christmas Carol) when an ex seems to resurface “from the dead” over the holidays. I love when there are words for things because it helps people see that much of what feels random or perhaps even destined, is actually extremely common. It’s completely normal to feel nostalgic when the holiday season comes around, especially if you’re heading home to celebrate. Being surrounded by family and friends in a familiar environment is bound to stir up some old feelings (or even boredom), which may lead you to wonder if it’s worth reaching out to an old flame who just so happens to be back in town, too.
What are some common mistakes people make when reaching out to an ex during the holiday season, and how can they avoid them?
One mistake I see people make is that they misremember how things ended. Not every spark is worth rekindling, especially if a relationship involved any kind of toxicity or a serious betrayal. Those types of relationships are best left in the past.
The same goes if your breakup wounds are still very fresh, as you might be unable to look at the relationship objectively. Meeting up with your ex could lead to more confusion and hurt. My advice to avoid these types of mistakes is to take time to really self-reflect before reaching out to an ex, and understand why you might want to reconnect and if it’s in your best interest. Follow the train of thought all the way to its final destination: what are you really hoping for and is the cost of that outcome really worth any wishful gains?
How can someone assess whether it’s a good idea to rekindle a connection with a former partner, especially during such an emotional time?
Be very honest with yourself: is it the familiarity you miss or the good your relationship brought to your life? If it’s the former, ask yourself if you genuinely allowed yourself to see what else is out there before deciding that what you know is the only thing possible in a romantic connection. And also ask your friends, family, and loved ones who were around for the relationship what their take is.
For those considering a holiday hookup with an old flame, what boundaries or expectations should they set beforehand?
No matter what you’re looking for—a hookup, closure, or just a chance to hang out—it’s a good idea to be clear with the other person about what you want, if and when you do reconnect. If you’re reconnecting with a hookup, it’s best to have a conversation about boundaries, sexual health, and feelings (which can always arise, even if you don’t expect them to).
What are some healthy ways to cope with feelings of nostalgia or loneliness that may arise during holiday gatherings or encounters?
It’s normal to feel nostalgic and lonely during the holidays. And sometimes, you look back on past relationships with rose-colored glasses, especially if it’s been some time since you’ve spoken to your ex-partner. Instead of scrolling through your phone and looking at photos of you two at the beach or on a fun vacation, it’s important to have a realistic understanding of what the relationship encompassed – the good, the bad, and the ugly. One healthy way to cope with these feelings is to chat with the friends who lived through the experience with you and try to understand the relationship entirely. If you journal, another great way to cope with these feelings is to revisit old journals (or start journalling) to process.
If someone’s ex doesn’t reciprocate their desire to reconnect, how can they handle that rejection with grace and move forward?
Handling rejection, especially from an ex, can be incredibly challenging. When someone doesn’t reciprocate your desire to reconnect, it’s natural to feel disappointment, hurt, or confusion. Give yourself permission to feel and process the pain, but avoid letting these emotions take over your life. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself back out there and to be upfront about what you want, and that’s something to be proud of.
If your ex has expressed that they don’t want to reconnect or are not open to the idea, respect their decision.
What role does social media play in influencing people to revisit past relationships, and how can it impact the decision to reach out?
Social media often shows us a curated version of life, where people highlight the positive moments. This can, of course, lead to idealization, where we might look at a past relationship through a lens of nostalgia, seeing only the best parts of the connection and forgetting the issues that led to the breakup. Comparing our current situation to the seemingly “perfect” life of an ex can trigger feelings of longing and the desire to reconnect.
Also, social media might offer a less intimidating way to reach out (for some reason sliding into the DMs might feel safer than a text or call). Sometimes, we use social media to reach out to old relationships for reassurance or validation, especially after a personal struggle or a change in our life. Reaching out can be a way to gauge whether there is still emotional interest or to feel comforted by a familiar connection.
Can revisiting a hometown romance ever provide meaningful closure, or is it more likely to reopen old wounds?
Revisiting a hometown romance can be a complex and emotionally charged experience. Whether it provides meaningful closure or reopens old wounds depends on the specific circumstances surrounding the relationship, the people involved, and their emotional readiness to confront the past. You might feel ready for closure, but that doesn’t necessarily mean your ex is. That’s why self-reflection is so important in these situations, where you really take the time to be honest with yourself about your intentions for reaching out, and whether you think your ex will be receptive.
For people looking for closure rather than a rekindling, what’s the best way to approach a conversation with a former partner?
First, make sure that your ex is even open to having a conversation with you. Just because you’re ready, doesn’t mean they are.
If you both feel ready, then when you have the conversation be upfront about what you’re hoping to gain from it. Let your ex know that you’re not looking to reignite the relationship, but that you want to understand the past better, gain closure, and move forward.
And pay attention to your timing. It’s important to make sure you’re both in a place where you can have a calm, respectful conversation and that neither of you is going through a particularly emotionally charged period (for example, a new breakup, significant life change, etc.). Reaching out during a time of vulnerability (like when one person is emotionally unstable or in a new relationship) can really complicate things.
How do you recommend balancing the allure of a holiday fling with the reality that life will return to normal after the season ends?
Acknowledge that a holiday fling is likely to be temporary. The excitement of the holidays—travel, parties, time off work—can amplify feelings of connection, but once life returns to its normal rhythm, the dynamics may change.
Holiday flings often come with a sense of escape and excitement, which can be refreshing. But don’t lose sight of your own emotional boundaries and long-term needs. While it’s fun to indulge in the passion and joy of the moment, stay grounded in your personal goals and values.
By managing your expectations, communicating openly, and ensuring that the fling doesn’t distract from your long-term emotional needs, you can enjoy the holiday romance while staying emotionally healthy and prepared for the return to normal life. Whether the fling remains a fond memory or provides valuable lessons for future relationships, embracing the impermanence of it can help you fully enjoy the experience while keeping your heart and mind in balance.
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