What if the real reason relationships fall apart isn’t betrayal—but burnout? According to author Nancy Perpall, most couples aren’t broken—they’re malnourished. In her fresh, neuroscience-backed take on modern love, she reframes relationship struggles through five essential emotional “nutrients,” from communication to humor. We sat down with Nancy to unpack why couples are quietly running on empty—and how to start rebuilding connection before it’s too late. —Noa Nichol
What’s the biggest misconception couples have when trying to diagnose what’s wrong?
Most couples do not know what a relationship requires to thrive. Believing in the myth that the person they’re with is supposed to magically know how to meet their needs because they are thought to be their “soulmate” causes the misconception couples struggle with. Disappointment with a partner’s behavior when the expectation is that their partner is supposed to be the “perfect one” causes feelings of incompatibility.
How did you land on these five specifically, and do most couples tend to be deficient in the same ones?
As a nurse I learned what specific nutrients the body requires to survive and thrive : water, protein, carbohydrate, healthy fats and vitamins. As a divorce attorney I noticed that there were five areas that clients said caused them to decide to end the relationship: communication which I compare to water, sex which is compared to protein, laughter and play which is compared to carbohydrate, healthy fats which is compared to compromise, and trust which is compared to a multivitamin. Just as the human body requires consistent daily intake of essential nutrients a relationship requires daily emotional nutrients for it to thrive. The most common complaint of couples ending their relationship is that they don’t talk anymore. When a couple stops communicating with each other their relationship is said to be dehydrated. In the body dehydration causes irritability and sluggishness, in a relationship lack of communication causes the parties to become irritated with each other leading to feelings of resentment and contempt.
Which emotional nutrient tends to erode first in modern relationships, and why?
The purpose of communication is connection. Real communication takes time and time is the rarest commodity in modern life. Additionally, there is no question that cell phones have dramatically changed society and have negatively impacted communication between parties in a relationship. Engaging with a phone means neglecting the person in front of you. Research finds that even the presence of a cell phone on a table, held in the hand, or in a pocket decreases empathy, connection, and conversation quality. Researcher also finds that the presence of a cell phone during a conversation leads to “absence presence,” where individuals are physically present but mentally distracted. So–turn the phone off and put it in a place other than where you are having a conversation with your partner.
What does healthy communication look like day-to-day?
Being able to identify what negative communication looks like is a necessary first step to eliminating it and replacing it with healthy, productive daily communication patterns. The father of relationship research, John Gottman, uses a metaphor of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse to describe communication styles that, according to his research, predict the end of a relationship. The first is criticism which is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint about specific issues. Criticizing your partner is attacking them. For example, if the issue is their tidiness, instead of addressing the untidiness you say to your partner, “You’re such a slob. I can’t believe how lazy you are that you can’t even pick up a towel!” The next horseman is contempt which occurs when you treat each other with sarcasm, disrespect, ridicule or name calling. For example, “You’re tired? Cry me a river! What do you think I’ve been doing all day? Do you think these kids are capable of taking care of themselves and the house is self-cleaning? I don’t have time to sit on the couch and play video games like the child you are!” Next comes defensiveness to criticism. When we feel unjustly accused we default to finding excuses for our behavior and feel victimized. For example when we are asked “Did you make that call to the utility company that you said you were going to call?” And the response is “Get off my back! You knew how busy my schedule was today why couldn’t you make the dam call? Your finger broken or is Siri on strike!” The fourth horseman is stonewalling, the usual response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and stop responding to their partner. According to Gottman it is the biggest predictor of divorce. When stonewalling occurs don’t pursue the conversation, Stop, as attempts to continue will only create more conflict. At this stage in the relationship professional help is recommended.
How should people rethink the role of sex in overall connection?
The emotional nutrient sex, which is compared to protein, is all about connection. Marital dissatisfaction and most affairs are caused by lack of connection according to Ester Perel, the leading psychologist on the subject. When the body sustains a lack of sufficient protein the body breaks down amino acids (protein) which results in reduced muscle mass, fatigue, and brittle skin, hair and nails. When a relationship is deficient in sex other emotional nutrients get sapped. So the first step, as I explain in the book, is to have a conversation, the first emotional nutrient, about the three F’s of sex: feelings, frequency and fantasy. Discuss how each of you feel about sex. Does talking about it come easily or is it shrouded in embarrassment. Discuss each of your ideas about how frequent you expect to have sex. Finally, have a conversation about what fantasies you each have about sex. Sex is not just about intercourse, it’s about outercourse which is touching, stroking, and talking. Outercourse should be engaged in every day. It is a vital emotional nutrient.
What happens to a relationship when playfulness and lightness disappear?
When you don’t eat carbohydrates your body undergoes a rapid weight loss, mostly due to water, and suffers from severe fatigue, often referred to as “keto flu.” When parties in a relationship no longer engage in playfulness and a lightheartedness between them, they are not only losing connection, but they also experience a sense of rejection and abandonment, likened to an “emotional flu.” Most partners have a secret language between them which consists of inside jokes, pet nickname, and coded nonverbal signals all of which is born out of playfulness and lightheartedness. When they no longer communicate with this intimate messaging tension rises and misunderstanding evolves and feelings of incompatibility begin to surface.
What are a few subtle habits that are more damaging than people realize?
The most prevalent is looking at a cell phone and not your partner when having a conversation. The second is having your partner dismiss your concerns. The third is not taking the opportunity to hold each other and support each other after a hard day.
How does understanding the brain change the way we should approach conflict and connection?
Building new or better habits in a relationship and breaking old ones for the wellbeing of the relationship can be difficult, However, humans possess a secret weapon specifically designed to embrace change: the brain. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change, adapt to change and support learning. For example, using the metaphor water for communication, if you consciously say to yourself before and while you are in a conversation with your partner that your words are going to flow, not crash, as water can, the neuroplasticity in your brain will direct the conversation in a completely new way.
Why does traditional relationship advice fall short when couples try to apply it to real life?
Traditional marriage counseling often fails because each of the partners blames the other for the problems in the relationship rather than looking at the relationship as a separate entity with its own needs. Too often couples seek help too late when resentment and contempt is entrenched in the neural pathways and the couple is impatient for the relationship to be “fixed.” Changing the cause of reoccurring conflicts in a relationship requires intention, attention, persistence and an understanding of the model change is based on, for example, emotional nutrients that a relationship requires to be healthy. Many counselors lack a specific framework for couples to follow, relying on neutral listening which does not proactively promote change.
What is an immediate step that a couple can take to start rebuilding their relationship?
If even one of the partners in a relationship recognizes that their relationship is “nutrient deficient” and identifies which of the nutrients, communication, sex, carbohydrate, compromise, or trust, suffers from a deficiency they themselves can commit to a new approach in addressing the issue. The beauty of neuroplasticity and using it to change behavior is that it doesn’t depend on the other partner to change. When we change the neural pathways that created the conflict in a relationship, we change our mindset about the relationship and the relationship changes.
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