When author Greg Scheinman set out to help men maximize middle age, a strange thing happened: 40 per cent of inquiries came from women—specifically, middle-aged women who want the man they married back!
For many men, midlife is the beginning of the end. But to Greg, midlife is not a crisis—it’s the sweet spot. A nationally-recognized performance coach, author and podcast host, he has changed thousands of lives through his coaching of top CEOs, athletes, chefs, authors and other high performers. With his new book, The Midlife Male, Greg embarks on a mission to help middle-aged men stop chasing the wrong things, focus on what’s meaningful, and deepen their relationships. But as it turns out, men aren’t the only ones interested in decoding the minds of middle-aged men.
We chatted with Greg to learn more. —Noa Nichol
Please tell us a bit about yourself to start.
I like to say that I’m just a guy trying to do his best every day. I’m 50 years old, a husband and father first, a slow learner and late bloomer and a man on a mission to help men maximize middle age and redefine what success looks like. I’ve been a filmmaker, entrepreneur with a couple of successes and more than a few failures. I’ve gone from being overweight and struggling with alcohol to being in the best shape of my life and sober. I’m intensely curious and that’s led me to interview 200+ of the world’s top performing men on The Midlife Male Podcast to help me learn how to live my best life and inspire others to do the same. I became a writer by sitting in my backyard every Sunday and writing a newsletter, which is now read by more than 15k every week. The podcast and newsletter combined to become a bestselling book (The Midlife Male) and now I coach men 1:1 across the country to help them to transform their lives in middle age and I get to speak on stages all over the world about personal transformation and growth.
When you set out to help men maximize middle age, what strange thing happened (with the women, we mean!)?
So what happened was 40% of the inquiries I was receiving were from women. These were women who wanted their husbands and men that they married, back in their lives. They wanted the vibrant, strong, confident, and healthy version of them back. I also heard from women who wanted their brothers, their uncles, their cousins, their co workers, even their ex husbands who they have to co parent with for the rest of their lives, to be the best versions of themselves. And these were women that were reaching out with questions and concerns and asking me if I would be interested in coaching these men and if they can make the connections, because what’s interesting is that men struggle with reaching out and asking for help. And what I have found is that most men who do reach out to me go back to their partners and ask for forgiveness and permission rather than support. Whereas the women reach out proactively seeking support expressing vulnerability and wanting to provide that support for their men and for them to know that the support is there.
What does it mean when you talk about middle-aged women who want the man they married back?
What I mean by middle aged women wanting the man they married back is that too often we see men defining success as salary and title. So that’s what they chase. And they think and believe that that’s what their partners want and expect. And to an extent, yes, our partners want us to be successful with our careers and our finances and as men and as providers, but they also want us to be happy, healthy, having fun, not over indexing at work to the extent that we are missing the moments and the times and the experiences with them and our families, as husbands and fathers. And in a lot of cases, what happens is 5, 10, 15, 20 years of conformity, complacency, redundancy, and chasing the societal metric of success of salary and title go by in a heartbeat and we do lose sight of what matters most. And that’s what women want back. They don’t want their husbands to die at their desk. They don’t want them to let their health go. To drink too much and sleep too little. To eat poorly. They want them around to share experiences, and to share life together with the same exuberance, passion, hope, possibility and probability for success in a much more holistic manner.
To you, midlife is not a crisis, nor the beginning of the end. Why not?
Midlife is not only not the beginning of the end, but it is the beginning of the next and best phase of our life. I genuinely believe that the middle is the sweet spot and that we need to stop seeing aging as something to fear but rather see it as something aspirational, an opportunity to take all of the experiences we’ve had in life, good, bad and the successes, failures and use them to maximize middle age. My father’s life ended at 47. At 47, I like to say, mine began. Midlife is bonus time. And it’s an incredible chance to see our best days in front of us and not behind us. Which is something that we should all seize. Because in this day and age, we can choose to live better, longer, happier, healthier, wealthier, stronger, and have more fun than in any other stage of our lives.
What will your new book, The Midlife Male, teach middle-aged men … and women?
So what I hope with the book is that it feels like a friend. It feels like a partner. It feels like a support tool to help men maximize middle age and women too because everything I talk about in the book not only applies to men but applies to women and really applies at any age or stage of life. I just happen to be a midlife male. I wanted it to be a book that guys could pick up at any page, and at any time and get something valuable. It’s a book that offers strategy, tactics, and very simple lists (I love lists) that we can follow. The book also gives you the tools to make positive changes in your lives through stories from other men who are going through similar experiences and how they have come out better on the other side. I dive into my 6F’s of family fitness, finance, food, fashion and fun and unpack each one of those areas and what it really means to redefine and reframe success and to live the kind of lives that we deserve.
What are some tools and tactics that women can use to better understand the middle-aged men in their lives, bring their relationships back to centre and re-establish a shared focus on what matters most?
The one thing that I hear from men most is that “I know what to do and I’m just not doing it”. So one thing that women can do to help better understand their midlife male is that we need constant and consistent support to do what we already know we should do. Sounds obvious, but it’s true. I hear from a lot of men that they’re not consistent. I would offer that they are consistent; they’re just consistently making the wrong choices. So support and understanding are two paramount things that women can do to help their middle-aged man and also understand that men are not particularly comfortable asking for help, asking for support, and showing vulnerability. So help them lean into that, letting them know that you are there for them and that it is okay. Men thrive on confidence, so instill a sense of confidence in them any and every time we do something, right. You observe us doing something that’s good for us and that you like and want to see more of? Praise us! I joke that I’m like a golden retriever. I respond well to treats and I respond well to praise. Feed us good foods and help us dress better, encourage us to get in the best shape of our lives. And make us feel wanted and make us feel attracted. Make us feel desired and strong and guide us so that we know what we need to do in order to keep you feeling that way because we genuinely want to please our partners.
What are some of your personal middle-age goals, passions, motivations and bucket-list items?
I have a long list of midlife goals, passions and motivations. One is that I put something new on the calendar every quarter. A new experience, a new challenge to take on. So it gives me something to look forward to, something to invest in, something to work towards achieving, and earning the money to pay for it. I’m passionate about health and wellness. And I want to continue to compete at a high level into my 60s and 70s. There are mountains I want to climb. There are oceans that I want to swim. I’d like to build a place in Mexico. I’d like to have a place in Colorado so that we can split our time. I want to speak on bigger stages. I want to write another book. I want to travel with my family. And it’s not for me so much about motivation as it is about discipline and preparation and consistency and accountability. It’s really focusing on the actions rather than the outcome. What can I do each and every day to make these goals, passions, bucket list items come true and how much enjoyment and fun and fulfillment can I have along the way? Because, as my friend Billy Mann said, it’s not about writing the hit song—It’s about living the hit life.
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