Why Won’t You Sleep?! Inside The World Of “Livewire” Kids With Sleep Coach Macall Gordon

If bedtime feels more like a battlefield than a wind-down ritual, you’re not alone—and you’re definitely not doing it wrong. According to certified sleep coach and author Macall Gordon, some babies are just wired differently. In her new book, Why Won’t You Sleep?!, Gordon explores the science (and heartache) behind raising “livewire” kids—ultra-alert, highly sensitive little ones who resist sleep with every fiber of their being. We sat down with Macall to talk about how temperament affects sleep, what parents of intense babies need to know before trying sleep training, and why there’s still hope for better nights ahead. —Noa Nichol

What inspired you to write Why Won’t You Sleep?! and focus on helping parents of “Livewire” children?

The short answer is that I had two of them more than twenty years ago and let’s just say there was no sleep in my house for a long, long time. Back then, it was Ferber or cosleep. I knew I couldn’t do Ferber and that my incredibly intense, persistent daughter would just cry for hours without relenting. But, honestly, cosleeping wasn’t the magical answer either. My son was even more of a light sleeper when he came along. They were both very alert, very bright, very sensitive kiddos who just had an incredibly hard time sleeping.

After I completed my master’s in psychology specializing in research on temperament, sleep, and all of the advice on sleep, I met Kim West (aka, The Sleep Lady). She also had children at the same time as I had with a similar challenge, but she devised a middle-ground strategy to sleep that worked for her children (one a livewire, one more mellow). This book really combines the lived experience of having “livewires” with research on sleep and an approach that actually makes sense for who these children are.

How can parents identify if their baby is a “Livewire” child, and what are the most common sleep challenges these babies face?

Parents often know right from the start that their baby is more alert and less sleepy than they expected their newborn to be. Here are a few phrases that I will hear from parents of livewires:

“She goes from zero to 100 if I don’t get to her fast.”

“It’s like he has FOMO (fear of missing out). He never wants to sleep.”

“She is like Velcro. I can’t put her down and she needs so much bouncing and holding to go to sleep at all.”

“He notices everything. He does not miss a thing.”

“I’ve literally never seen a sleepy signal. It’s like she’s never tired.”

These children just seem to be more alert and ready to take on the world. They can also be more sensitive, fussy, and harder to soothe. They all have more trouble with sleep. On the bright side, they are also often very bright, empathic, verbal, active, perceptive little dynamos. It’s a package deal.

You emphasize the role of temperament in sleep training—why is this often overlooked, and how should it change the way parents approach sleep?

I honestly don’t know why it’s overlooked given what we know about temperament’s pivotal role in sleep problems. It’s almost never mentioned in the sleep training advice and none of the research on sleep training has taken it into account. I’m pretty shocked, actually. The usual Ferber-style sleep training strategy is a no-go for livewires who 1) get very upset, very quickly; 2) do not just “give up” and stop crying after a reasonable time; and 3) learn to sleep through the night after just four or five nights. None of this happens (generally). For livewire parents, it can be hours of crying over many, many nights with little to no improvement. The books don’t talk about what to do in this scenario and livewire parents are just left to feel like they’ve failed at the method. Instead, it’s the method that’s letting them down.

Livewires need help with staying within a “window of tolerance” for distress. I like to say that no one is learning anything when they’re hysterical. It’s okay to help children calm down. (This goes for non-livewires, too.) Sleep is the only event where parents are told that the only way children will learn is if we don’t help them. Livewires need extra help with regulation, so the usual sleep strategies won’t really work the way the books say they will. Parents need a different take on sleep that understands the role of temperament and regulation in sleep.

What are some common myths about sleep training that parents of high-energy, sensitive babies need to let go of?

There are so many.

“You have to start early, or it will be harder.” (This one isn’t even true for non-livewires.) This one is completely unsupported by any research we have. The younger the child, the fewer tools they have for regulation. There’s no evidence that waiting is any harder. In fact, it might be easier.

“If sleep training doesn’t work, it’s because you did it wrong.” If Ferber didn’t work, it’s because it’s based on research and information about more easygoing children who tend to get on board with any method fairly quickly. Behavioral approaches also don’t consider any other factors besides parental behavior, so it can only be the parent’s fault if it doesn’t work. Bonkers, right?

Are traditional sleep training methods, like cry-it-out or Ferber, effective for “Livewire” children, or do they require a different approach?

Answered above

Beyond temperament, what physiological factors should parents consider before trying to improve their child’s sleep?

Great question. Yes, there absolutely are physiological conditions that should be handled before sleep training is considered:

Obstructed breathing/sleep apnea: Snoring, mouth breathing, sweaty head, restless sleep

Restless Legs Syndrome: Hours to fall asleep, hours awake at night, extremely restless sleep, lots of movement even when asleep

Silent reflux (infants): Very frequent waking (every hour?), small, frequent feeds, waking screaming, hating lying on their back, eating better at night, sleeping better on an incline

Eczema: Believe it or not, eczema can be much itchier than it seems and really needs to be fully under control

For livewires, it can be like The Princess and the Pea. Any discomfort can throw their sleep off.

What are some small, immediate changes parents can make to help a highly alert baby settle for naps or bedtime more easily?

Get enough naptime. Overtiredness is almost always a key reason why livewires aren’t sleeping well at night. Do not wait for them to look tired. Try for that nap. Make sure bedtime is early enough, too. If we wait until our livewire hits their second wind, we’re in trouble.

Parenting an intense, fussy baby can be overwhelming—what advice do you have for exhausted parents struggling with self-doubt and frustration?

First of all, you didn’t cause your child’s behavior. You are responding to the child you have. Self-care is mandatory. Prioritize getting 45 minutes to yourself each day. Make this as important as food and water. The road with a livewire is long, steep, and rocky. You need to be okay in order to be able to keep up with them. I was not good at this back in the day and used to laugh at any suggestion of a “break” that wasn’t a full two-week sleep vacation. But what I know now is that “mini-breaks” are better than no breaks at all.

What are some misconceptions about parenting “big-feeling” babies that you wish more people understood?

I recently asked the moms in a large Facebook group for fussy babies this very question. Here’s a little of what they said. The rest of the world needs to know that parents of livewires have already tried the dozens of “easy” fixes you are going to suggest. Their child’s behavior isn’t because they are “picking them up too fast” or “they were stressed when they were pregnant.” They want their pediatrician to know that “He’s just fussy” or “She’ll grow out of it” is not helpful.

These parents don’t have breaks, and they don’t always get feedback from their child that they’re doing a good job or are on the right track. These parents need validation and support instead of judgment or unsolicited advice that doesn’t apply to the child they have.

If there’s one key takeaway from your book that you hope every parent remembers, what would it be?

These children are incredible and parenting them is hard, hard, hard. The difficulty and worry that parents experience is par for the course. Regardless of how parents think they’re doing on this parenting journey, they are ROCKING it…because this is quite a climb and there aren’t many maps. These parents are still putting one foot in front of the other every single day because of their devotion to their amazing and very intense child. How incredible is that?