The Mom Flow: The Reality Of Marriage In My 40s

Welcome to The Mom Flow, where I share things that are on my mind in the hopes of helping you connect to your Mom Flow. Thanks for being here! —Erin Sousa

We’ve all heard time after time to go on date nights, prioritize your marriage but it can be so so hard to do this. I take that frustration out on Roberto sometimes (is every night is going to be like this? Why don’t you plan anything?) and I’m not necessarily proud of it.

I grew up in a dad-free household, so to be honest, I have no clue what a “healthy” marriage looks like up close – like, the kind where you grow up watching your parents navigate life as a team. That just wasn’t my reality.

So here I am, in my own marriage now. And let me tell you – it’s solid. Like, really solid.

Do we argue? Absolutely.
Do I get irrationally annoyed by the sound of his breathing after 8pm? Without question.
Do we go to bed angry sometimes? Yep, sure do.

But even with all of that, I know we’re rooted in something really good. We’ve been through our share of hard stuff – and honestly, I believe those hard things have only made us stronger. I’ve come to see struggles or tough stuff we’ve dealt with as something that can forge deep, unshakable connection.

That said, I have gotten lazy in doing the work on our marriage – dating, getting out and experiencing things just us.

As a mom, I’m always looking toward experiences to enrich our lives. In a world that’s constantly telling me to buy more things to live a better life, I shun it. If I sit down and think about what makes me happiest, it’s my people, the connection (and some great meals, outfits and luxury items too… my bed, good sheets… oh ya baby). But those “things” are few and far between.

Because of what I do, I feel like I get to experience more things than the average person – call this a work perk for sure. A lot of the time with any work travel, events, hosted experiences or hospitality partnerships, Roberto stays home. I think it becomes my blind spot that Roberto doesn’t often get to do these things. Of course, he could verbalize this, but he, like many men, might not know how to put words to those feelings and I consider myself an attentive partner who takes stalk of the nuances of his personality to improve our relationship and life how I can.

So, in the vein of those life enriching experiences, I planned a little one night getaway for us, and I am so glad I did! It was a reminder to prioritize that more often (which we will be – we have a hosted two night getaway to Harrison Hot Springs this upcoming week!)

Want a little throwback? This is us in 2006(?) just being the cute work besties we were! Yes, this was Starbucks!

Driving to Whistler it hit me – just being together and doing something fun was so out of the norm and I missed that feeling. The days where we would spend hours in the car listening to music. Drinking coffee on a cafe patio with nowhere else to be. We enjoyed a podcast I saved for the drive (Juicy Scoop in case you’re curious), had a casual lunch, sharing a sandwich and salad, then tucked into our hotel room at Hilton Whistler (who partnered with us) for a rest before a fancy dinner out at my fave Whistler restaurant (and marketing client), Wild Blue.

We got dressed up and held hands on the walk. Said yes to bubbles. Didn’t rush to get home for bedtime. Fell asleep to a crackling fire. We ordered breakfast in bed (including an extra dish – waffles to share). It was just one night, but felt so special. It felt refreshing and was something we realized we needed badly.

I reflected in writing this piece and explored some real feelings about why I de-prioritized dating my husband/what I’m feeling around this subject.

These are some hard truths for myself:

I’m drained just taking care of the needs of my family and anything extra like pouring into my marriage can be easily overlooked

I take my marriage and husband for granted and think he will always be here

I forget that I have what so many people are looking for or would die to have

Being a mom puts a lot of my affection towards my child

While I love routine and the comfort it brings, I get annoyed with the lack of spontaneity and initiative my husband takes to plan things for us

I’m so curious if this topic resonates with you, no matter what life phase your marriage (relationship!) is in.

There’s more! Keep reading this week’s edition of The Mom Flow by Erin Sousa; subscribe for free to receive new posts and support her work, here!