The holidays bring joy, connection, and celebration—but they can also take a toll on our mental health. In her new book, Feel Better, Vancouver’s Dr. Shahana Alibhai offers actionable strategies to process emotions and recharge. In this Q&A, she shares expert advice on prioritizing your well-being this season. —Noa Nichol
How can we identify the signs that the holiday season is taking a toll on our mental health, and what should we do when we notice them?
A framework I’ve designed is called the Optimal Health Pyramid, which shows the key components we consider when considering overall health. In the center of the pyramid, you can see things we often associate with ‘wellness’ such as eating well, moving more, and getting adequate rest. The foundation of the pyramid is awareness of our thinking (what is called ‘think better’) as well as our relationships with others. At the top of the pyramid is what drives us to do what we are doing – i.e., our impact, contribution, and purpose.
Using this as a framework, we can start to unpack this question because there is often a breakdown in one or more of these aspects. We start neglecting some aspects of our health – our eating habits change, we stop moving our bodies as much, and we struggle with our sleep. Perhaps we find ourselves more irritable or ‘snappy’ with those around us or even avoiding social connection to begin with. For some, it could be noticing that they are constantly feeling overwhelmed or ‘on edge’ or, conversely, feeling like they have little to no motivation to do things at all.
Many people associate the holidays with joy and togetherness, but for some, it can bring stress or loneliness. What are some common emotional misconceptions people have during this time?
As a society, we love to put things into a ‘box’ and wrap it up with a bow; Christmas is no exception. Everything from department store music to nostalgic Christmas movies creates an expectation of this being the most ‘wonderful time of the year,’ and the truth of the matter is that for many, it is not. It is this EXPECTATION that creates dissonance and distress for many. This EXPECTATION of creating unforgettable memories and ‘once in a lifetime’ moments makes many feel like we are falling short.
In your book Feel Better, you discuss three daily emotional clues. How can we use these clues to navigate the holiday season more effectively?
The three clues your emotions give you are the sensation in your body, the story you are telling yourself in your head, and the significance of why you had that emotion in the first place. Inherent to all of these clues is the need to pause and notice how you are feeling and why you are feeling this way. This might be enough for this holiday session, just asking yourself, “What do I feel right now?” or “What does my body feel like?” or “What do I need right now?” and answering these questions without judgment.
The most powerful tool that I use every single day is that of listening to the story in my head. We all are ‘selling’ ourselves a story every single day – about the type of person we should be, could be, need to be or was. We tell ourselves a story about the people around us, why they acted and reacted in the way they did, and how things will turn out before they even happen. Can you pay attention to this story in your head and ask yourself this simple question – “Is this true? And “How do I know this for sure?”
The last clue is significance, the idea that you often have a strong emotional reaction because it means something to you. For some, it might not bother them if they don’t get invited to a friend’s Christmas party or are left out of a Secret Santa gift exchange; however, for others, if you really value that friendship or being part of that particular group, then these oversights might really upset you.
The holidays often amplify relational dynamics. What are your tips for maintaining healthy relationships and setting boundaries during this busy time?
- Talk first – have conversations with your family or your partner ahead of time. You have lived through many holiday seasons and can start to identify patterns of when things were particularly stressful or even triggering for you. Discuss these openly with your family or partner.
- Can you answer the question, “What does support look like to you?” – you can ask for support from your partner, friends, or family; however, everyone needs support in different ways. Is it just listening? Is it offering advice? Is it making sure you attend your weekly fitness class? What does support look like for YOU?
- Carve it out – Take time to think about what brings you joy during the holiday season. Is it decorating gingerbread houses, doing crafts with your nieces and nephews, or visiting holiday markets? Just pick ONE thing, but carve out time to do this and prioritize it. Boundaries are often about saying ‘no’ to things but carving time out is about saying YES to the things you value and enjoy.
Asking for help during the holidays can feel daunting. What advice do you have for reaching out for support, whether it’s from loved ones or mental health professionals?
We often wait until things get ‘bad enough’ for us to reach out for support. What if we used this same analogy regarding our physical health? Most of us have no problem taking a preventative approach when it comes to our physical health; however, we find this difficult when it comes to our mental health. My advice is always to try to find a trusted health care professional now, even if things are going well, and to reframe it as ‘personal training for your brain’.
If the holiday season is in swing and you find yourself struggling, there are, fortunately, a lot of online or virtual options that are much more accessible for people needing help. Start somewhere and realize there might be some trial and error, which is ok. Progress is being made in taking the first step, which will evolve from there.
Overcommitment is a frequent challenge during the holidays. How can people balance their social responsibilities while carving out time for self-care?
I want you to think of self-care as a menu. Any menu usually has many options, from small bitings to main dishes to desserts. On your self-care ‘menu,’ think of many options that fall under this umbrella, whether it be doing 15 minutes of yoga, going for a walk outside, or attending a fitness class. Your job is to know at least 5 or 7 things that work for you, some that might take as little as 5 minutes and that range up to 60 minutes. Then depending on how time famished you are, you pick something off your ‘menu’ that ‘feeds’ you and nourishes you despite the busy time of year.
For those struggling to feel the “holiday spirit,” what small steps can they take to protect their mental health and find moments of joy?
Practice’ joy stretching’. Joy stretching is built on the principle that moments of joy are all around you; we are often just too busy, distracted, or overwhelmed to notice. I remember speaking to a patient who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and she said to me, “Honey, there is still joy despite my diagnosis…I just have to squint to see it”.
Joy stretching takes a moment that would usually just pass you by, maybe something as simple as hugging your child and paying attention to all of your senses, the smell of your child’s hair, the feel of their soft pajamas, the sound of silence around you – stretches it out for so much longer. We keep waiting for things to ‘get better’ or improve, and I wonder if part of life isn’t so much the waiting but more than noticing that these moments, however small, are right here – all we need to do is pay attention.
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