Expert Tips On How To Raise Emotionally Resilient Kids

In a world where parenting often feels like a pressure cooker of to-do lists, emotional overload, and co-parenting curveballs, one expert is inviting caregivers to pause—and go inward. Vivian Meraki, founder of Unshakable Parenting and author of Parenting Through Divorce, believes the key to raising emotionally secure, resilient kids isn’t in the rules we enforce—but in how we regulate ourselves. In honour of Children’s Mental Health Week, we sat down with the trauma-informed coach to talk nervous systems, generational cycles, and why real resilience starts with the grownups in the room. —Noa Nichol

You say that raising emotionally resilient kids starts with us. Can you explain how a parent’s own nervous system directly impacts their child’s sense of safety and security?

Our nervous systems support us not only as individuals, but also as a community in a connected way. Part of our survival mechanism is noticing when something is unsafe for the group. For our nervous systems, what is unsafe for one is unsafe for all, which is why if one person feels unsafe and is activated, those around them will also pick up on those signals and start to feel activated and alert to danger. 

One example of this that most are likely familiar with is how activated we can feel as parents when our children start to cry. The reverse is also true. When we are activated, our children will notice. Their nervous systems will also be activated, and they will enter a state where they are also scanning the environment. Younger children will often want to be close to their parent to feel safer. 

Co-regulation happens when your activated child comes to you and is able to slowly regulate their nervous system and transition into a state where they feel calmer and safe, just by being with you.

It’s also worth adding that our objective as parents isn’t to always stay in a calm and peaceful state, but rather to be aware so that we can notice and more smoothly transition between those activated and calmer states and support our children in doing the same.  

Children instinctively seek out what they need, even if they don’t know why or how to articulate it. They are hardwired for survival and safety. And at times, when they are dysregulated, they will reach out to you to help them co-regulate. If in doubt, assume that they want to connect with you. Assume that connection will help.

Many parents are focused on “fixing” challenging behavior in their kids. How can shifting from correction to connection help foster long-term resilience and trust?

When my son was 18 months old, he expressed that he was acting out because he wanted attention – in a toddler’s vocabulary, of course, but it was still hard to believe.

There can be many reasons for challenging behavior. One of the most common reasons is that your child wants to connect with you. Another one is that your child is feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Yet another may be that your child is overstimulated or understimulated and has energy to burn.

Regardless of the reason, the issue with focusing on only the behavior is that it is only a band-aid solution. It does not address the root cause of the behavior. 

When you start to look past the behavior at the root cause, you start to create a deeper connection with your child. You are helping them address a deeper need that they have and bring it to the surface for them to also become aware of. You are signalling to them that their needs matter to you and that you are interested. When you address the deeper need, you will build trust. In addition, you are also modeling a powerful skill for them: how to problem-solve and find the root of what they are feeling, as well as to learn the vocabulary around how they can express it.

What are some common but subtle ways well-meaning parents unintentionally erode their child’s emotional strength—and how can they gently course correct?

Psychological safety is the bedrock for establishing trust with our children and also for them to learn how to trust themselves. When our children trust themselves, they learn agency, feel empowered, and build up their emotional resilience and strength. Yet, psychological safety is precisely also the thing that many parents unintentionally erode, despite wanting it for their children. 

The only way our children learn to trust themselves is when we, as parents, trust them first. Children, by nature, are constantly scanning their environments for safety and looking for validation that everything is okay and that they are okay. It’s hardwired in them. When we validate and affirm for them that their instincts are okay and can be trusted, we help them build the foundation of self-trust and emotional strength. 

Some of the common ways we can erode self-trust in our children happen around meal times, body autonomy, and their health and wellness. How often do we tell our child to finish everything on their plate because they can’t possibly be full? Or keep tickling them even when they gasp “stop, stop, stop” while laughing? Or tell them, “You’re okay. Don’t cry”?

When we erode the small things, we don’t leave room for the big things. 

I look at the building blocks of self-trust across four stages, with each building upon the last: 

1. Body Sensations: I trust what my body feels
2. Emotions: I trust what I feel emotionally
3. Decisions and Actions: I trust in my decisions
4. Self-Efficacy: I trust in what I find meaningful and what I desire to achieve

Self-trust begins with us starting small and giving our children choices and the voice to speak up. This is one of the best ways to start to course correct. Ask more questions, intentionally listen to your child, and give them options to choose from. Simply put: Tell less, ask more. 

You talk a lot about generational patterns. How can parents begin to break the cycles they grew up with—especially while navigating co-parenting or divorce?

The simple answer is through the choices they make where they start to choose differently.

The more complex answer is that there are no shortcuts to breaking generational cycles and it is deeply emotional work. That said, it is well worth it. At the heart of breaking the cycle is awareness. You can’t change what you aren’t aware of. 

The way to start is to take the time reflect on your own known set of beliefs, values, commitments, and practices that you have. Then review and consider how many of these were inherited by you that you didn’t choose for yourself. How many of those align with the vision of the future self you want to become or the parent you want to be? What do you want your beliefs, values, commitments, and practices to be instead? Start noticing and choose differently.

This takes time and practice, but like all things, it gets easier with time.

Parenting and divorce are life events that bring up a lot of old wounds and childhood memories. When those memories or wounds come up – and we know they are coming up because we will likely feel very stressed and activated – carve out the time to review them. Feel them. If it’s feeling overwhelming, find a licensed trauma therapist that you feel you can be vulnerable with and work on unpacking and addressing those old memories and wounds. 

Start the process of reparenting your own inner child and becoming the parent for yourself that you may not have had.  

During tough transitions, like separation or major life upheaval, what daily rituals or practices help kids feel seen, safe, and emotionally grounded?

I’ll share 3 practices / rituals. 

First, the best framework for conversations with children going through divorce and other difficult upheavals is one called the 4 Cs. The 4 Cs cover the most common concerns your child is likely having about the divorce or life event and is a great starting place to have the conversations that will help to reassure them.

1. CATCH – Can I catch it? (Is it contagious and will it affect other things?)
2. CAUSE – Did I cause it?
3. CURE – Can I cure/control it?
4. CARE – Who will take care of me?

Another ritual I do with my children is one I call, “Something I Love About Me”. And it’s exactly what it sounds like. Work into your daily routine a conversation about what your child loves about themselves. Talk about what you love about yourself. Share your observations about what you appreciate and love about them.

Finally, take 10-minutes per day per child every day and dedicate that time to getting to know them. Put away all distractions and screens. Turn off your email and text and face them and focus on them. Ask them:

• What was your favorite thing today?
• What surprised you?
• What was hard for you?
• If you could wave a magic wand, what would you like to do together?

Their answers will likely surprise you.

For parents dealing with burnout or overwhelm, what’s one small step they can take today to regulate themselves and show up more calmly for their kids?

One of the most powerful things parents can do in moments of high stress and overwhelm is to wait 60-90 seconds before reacting or responding to anything. Take that breather. Wait for your body’s neurotransmitters that are flooding your body to get flushed out. Your head will clear and you will be in a far better position to interact with other people and to make decisions. 

Do your best to separate yourself from those emotions. See them as neutral signals trying to tell you something. They don’t have to mean anything more than that. Sometimes, I’ll hear parents share with me that they feel their child is trying to attack them, manipulate them, or make them angry. More often than not, their child isn’t trying to do any of those things and is instead unsure of how to express themselves or to get what they need and want.

The more a parent is able to notice an activation and decouple it from themselves or their child and see it for what it is: an activation, the more they will be able to engage in a more balanced, calm way with their children.

You’ve spoken about the importance of boundaries—especially in co-parenting. What advice do you give to parents who feel guilty about setting limits?

It all starts with you. As parents, our children can be our world. Our work as well. Yet, as we give away our time, energy, and efforts to others, it has to come from somewhere and more often than not, it’s coming from ourselves. 

Boundaries aren’t about pushing back on other people. Instead, boundaries are a communication about how we want to be treated and a way of honouring ourselves and what we need. Boundaries are a form of self-care.

Because you matter. Your needs matter. And it’s okay to take care of yourself too. Your capacity for love, compassion, and support for others will grow exponentially the more you offer yourself those things.

What does “Unshakable Parenting” mean to you—and how can parents begin to embody that, even if they don’t feel strong right now?

“Unshakable Parenting” is about growing to become anchored to your own innate authority and self-worth. It is about knowing what is aligned to you, setting boundaries around the things that aren’t, and parenting from a place of safety, security, confidence, joy, love, and purpose to foster the same for your children.

It doesn’t mean you are always rooted in those things, but it means that you know it is available to you. When you shift from judgment to curiosity, a lot changes. We can often be our own heaviest critics, especially when we don’t feel strong.

The somatic work that I do with parents supports them in connecting with what is held within their body that is there for them. 80-90% of the part of the nervous system responsible for stress responses is wired from the body to the brain, which means that most of what we experience is actually experienced through the body. Not the mind. The body holds a lot of that stress and memory. Yet most of us have been taught to ignore, suppress, and even dissociate from our bodies and those feelings. Largely because they are uncomfortable to deal with and we have been socialized to think of them as being a source of weakness if we let ourselves feel them. 

The problem with this is that those feelings from your experiences don’t go away, even if you ignore them. They are simply held in a way that you have a harder time accessing. It may feel like you are stronger in the immediate term and you may look calm and stoic from the outside, but it’s anything but that on the inside. Over time, it’s like a pressure cooker and smaller and smaller things start to make you upset, and you don’t fully know why. 

The reality is that the better you get at accessing those feelings, observing them, and letting them run their course within you, the better you get at releasing them so they are no longer stored within you. 

The best thing to do in those moments where you aren’t feeling strong, rather than pushing yourself to be better or stronger, is to offer yourself curiosity and support. Ask yourself: “What’s coming up for me?” “What do I need?” 

Allow yourself to observe your own feelings without jumping into reactions or judgment. Connect with your body and feel what is there. Try to follow those feelings to the root. Journaling or talking it out – even if just out loud to yourself – can really help. The brain shifts from rumination to organizing when we write or talk things out, rather than keeping our thoughts inside our heads. Often, the answers are far simpler than we think.

Over time, the emotional muscle memory will build. You will become increasingly proficient at working through emotional upheaval and stress activations and returning to that place of strength and grounding. You become less reactive and more intentional in your responses. You’ll find that the things that used to really bother you won’t even phase you. You start to become unshakable in your belief in yourself, that you can handle whatever may come at you, and you can teach your children how to do the same.

How has your personal journey—from career burnout to becoming a certified trauma-informed coach—informed your approach to parenting and healing?

There was a turning point where I realized that I had been living under a mantle of self-sacrifice and service to other people my whole life. I had resigned myself to being a supporting character in everyone else’s life and thought, maybe this is all there is for me. Something in me said, that isn’t right. I took a long time to reflect and eventually made some big decisions, one of which was that I would be the main character of my own life going forward.

People often think that the antidote to burnout is rest. Instead, I believe the antidote to burnout is purpose. When you tap into what inspires you and move towards fulfilment and purpose, the exhaustion starts to get chipped away. The first step towards accessing that is to follow those whispers and start doing the things that are aligned with you. But first, you need to become aware of what feels right.

In my own life, ever since I made the decision to choose myself, I have learned to trust myself and my intuition. My work in somatics has only deepened that trust and opened up a modality of healing that I didn’t know was possible before.

I have brought those same practices into how I parent my children. I teach them how to connect with their body when they are experiencing big feelings and how to get to the deeper answers held there of what is coming up and what outcome feels right for them. What they find surprising is that most times, those big feelings get released when they intentionally engage with them. The process also happens faster for children because they don’t have as much conditioning to unlearn. 

I’ve since seen my children flourish with confidence and gradually build up their own authority in themselves. My daughter often tells me, “Mama, I’m the expert of me, right?” It’s a beautiful thing to witness.

If there’s one message you want to leave parents with this Children’s Mental Health Week, what would it be?

You are your child’s greatest asset. If you’re going through a hard time, know that you are enough. Your child loves you and wants nothing more than to connect with you. You are their beacon for safety and have more influence than you may think.