Staying Human This Summer: Vanessa Ferlaino On Empathy, Patience & Peace @ Family Gatherings

Summer brings sunshine, BBQs—and sometimes, simmering family tension. Whether you’re dreading that one relative’s offhand comment or just feeling short on patience in an increasingly on-edge world, Vanessa Ferlaino has advice worth tuning into. A lecturer at Algoma University, certified mindfulness teacher, author, and founder of The Being Human Foundation, Vanessa is on a mission to help us reconnect—with ourselves and each other. In this Q&A, she shares practical ways to navigate tough social dynamics, explains why empathy isn’t a threat (despite what Elon Musk might say), and offers tools to keep your cool when the heat is on. —Noa Nichol

As summer gatherings bring families back together, tensions can rise—especially with differing opinions at the table. What’s your number one strategy for navigating difficult family dynamics with grace?

Many thanks for this question, Noa. This is certainly something a lot of people are interested in navigating, in a way where we are not betraying ourselves and our truth, either.

In the moment that tension arises, I always extend the invitation to come back to the breath. It grounds us so we can return to our compassion. When we are connected to our compassion, we are able to witness suffering. We may witness our own suffering from these statements or the relationships themselves, but we may also witness suffering of the other person that often accompanies many troubling opinions or statements. This does not mean we have to agree with the statements, but it means we are inviting ourselves to decide how to respond, instead of reacting.

A response does not mean we need to respond with words. We often think that we have to educate people, but we should only do this if we feel the person will be able to receive it and if we feel this can be transformative for them. The reality is that if someone is not ready to hear it, it will not make any difference. In fact, it may make you angrier or upset, and this would create more suffering for you. So sometimes, the response may be to simply step back. Sometimes, I’ll say “may you find your peace, and may you find your healing” first, and then step back. Many times, the individual will find their way back to me, and I will engage in conversation. But as soon as the topic arises, I step away again. The message becomes clear; this is not welcome in my space.

If the gathering is scheduled, it’s also important that we practice self-care prior to the event. Perhapsslowlyore the event, we can take a moment to meditate for a few minutes, tracing our inhales and exhales, observing each breath slow as we steady ourselves. We can prepare and set an intention to be grounded and to not let others disturb our inner peace. Of course, we should also practice self-care following the event. We may be able to “pause” the emotions in the moment, but then after the event in the car on the way home, we’re angry, upset, hurt, and unleashing our feelings onto others. While talking to someone can help, it is more important we seek refuge in ourselves. After the event, perhaps we can invite ourselves to journal about how we felt and meditate again. If you are busy and have a commitment to attend to after, taking 5 minutes in your car or transit to simply breathe in, witness the emotions with compassion, jot some feelings down on your phone or journal if you keep one with you, can support you so you’re not bringing this into the next commitment. Revisit them at night when you can take time for yourself. The act of taking time for ourselves to reflect and nurture is an act of self-love and self-care. I invite all of us to practice a regular, daily self-care practice. For me, this is simply meditation. This could be something else for you.

You often say “sometimes, you just have to walk away.” How can we recognize the difference between setting a healthy boundary and simply avoiding discomfort?

I LOVE this question – and congratulations for your self-awareness!

Firstly, we must always honour the wisdom of the body. If you are feeling discomfort in the body, it is present for a reason. If we don’t know the source of the discomfort and if the situation does not allow us to explore it, then we should step away. Stepping away does not necessarily mean we are setting a boundary; discomfort simply tells us the body does not feel safe, and we must honour this.

We take a step back to exploring the discomfort with curiosity and compassion, really understanding why it is here and its root. In this space, we can learn if discomfort is present because of the topic, the person, perhaps it’s just general anxiety, etc. etc. It isn’t until we identify the root of the discomfort that we are able to transform. To transform, we ask, “what do I need, right now?” “what can I offer the body so that the body feels safe?” When we transform the root, we transform the discomfort, because now,  we are no longer triggered by the source of the discomfort. This means the boundary itself also naturally softens.

In short, all boundaries are healthy boundaries, if we are exploring the roots of our discomfort with compassion and then committing to our inner work in order for transformation to unfold.

We seem to be collectively running low on patience lately. From long lines to short fuses, what’s fueling this emotional edge, and how can mindfulness help us cope?

There is a hyper sort of connection that we are able to have with each other through media, social media, technology, and even AI. This can be quite draining for us, regardless of the source or type of content we are consuming. Additionally, despite being even more connected to everyone and everything, we are less connected to ourselves within. I’m not sure if there is a relationship between the two, but I feel the disconnect to ourselves. We don’t know how to come home to ourselves, how to find peace in any and every moment, or even how to simply accept ourselves for who we are.

Mindful consumption of technology can be very supportive for us. Before we turn on the computer, use our cell phones, or turn on the TV, we can take a few deep breaths and recite a few mindful verses, also called “gathas”, to remind us to be intentional in our use of technology. For example, before I send a text or make a call, I may recite: “Words can travel thousands of miles. May my words create mutual understanding and love. May they be as beautiful as gems, as lovely as flowers.” This way, I am reminded of the power of my words, and to be mindful about how I choose to communicate. Be welcome to note the previous gatha came from Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, “Present Moment, Wonderful Moment”.

I’m also intentional in how I use my technology. For example, I usually check my emails three times a day, and check my messages every 2 hours or so, so I am replying all at once. We can also set timers/alarms for 15min or 20min to remind us to take a break and limit our overall use of technology. We may even consider trading our smartphones for other devices… I’m close to abandoning my smartphone. I miss my old LG Rumour… 

I am launching an online course shortly titled, “Break Free Of The System” that offers various mindfulness gathas that we can use to practice mindful consumption of technology. Be welcome to subscribe to my newsletter at vanessaferlaino.com if you are interested in learning more.

How does compassion for others intersect with your teachings on self-awareness and presence?

When I am compassionate with myself, I am practicing self-awareness. I am also present because I am aware of what is coming up for me. Self-awareness and being present are about coming back to the here and now. Compassion invites us to nurture what is happening in the here and now. Compassion to myself is connected to my compassion for others. They are not separate, they are one in the same. The compassion I extend to myself is the exact same compassion I extend to others – it is not a “separate” or “different” kind of compassion, it is exactly the same. Love and compassion is the thread of our humanity.

Elon Musk has famously called empathy a threat to civilization. What’s your take on that—and why do you believe empathy is actually vital to our survival?

What a great invitation to extend compassion here. Our inner world reflects our outer world, and if this is the perspective of Elon Musk’s outer world, then clearly there are some things in his inner world that must be lacking. May there be peace, and may there be healing for him.

In extending this compassion to Elon Musk, I’ve just demonstrated the transformative power of empathy. It is the reason we can transform suffering. Suffering is part of the human experience; in fact, we cannot know empathy, love, joy, etc. without knowing sadness, anger, and other forms of suffering. But because of empathy and compassion, we can transform suffering.

From a civilization perspective, the transformation of suffering extends beyond quality of emotional health, into quality of life and the transformation of global suffering. For example, the number one reason for human death is heart disease. It is because of love and compassion that we are compelled to explore and develop new treatments and medications; if we did not understand that heart disease caused suffering, we would not be compelled to develop treatments to transform suffering from heart disease. Another example includes wars and armed conflicts. In addition to lives lost, we also see mass displacement of people and mass destruction of land, including environmental damage. Compassion and empathy have informed the millions of dollars that flow into humanitarian aid organizations to support the people of Palestine, Congo, and Sudan. Compassion and empathy is the reason that people choose to divest their money from big banks, which hold very large sums of money in weapons manufacturers. Compassion and empathy is the reason that people boycott big brands that do harm. These are actions that align with the intentions set by love and compassion. The First Mindfulness Training (there are five) invites us to be aware of all suffering caused by the destruction of life – human life, plant and animal life, and even mineral life. It also tells us that it is not enough to simply not destroy these lives with our own hands, but if we are supporting destruction of life or if we are aware of the destruction of life by others and not trying to stop it, then we are not practicing this training. Compassion and empathy drive us to take these aligned actions, so that we are practicing his First Mindfulness Training and putting it into action.

This is the transformative power of empathy and compassion. The ability to witness suffering, and extend the invitation to transform it. The magnitude is greater when it comes to global suffering.

What role does active listening play in easing conflict, whether at a dinner table or in the boardroom—and how can we practice it better?

Deep listening is the most authentic type of active listening. Active listening simply means we are listening, but we may be lost in our inner narratives or stories, so we are not actually hearing. But deep listening invites us to listen beyond the words to the intention. If we were to practice deep listening, we would witness more opportunities for compromise, collaboration, and mutual alignment. But we cannot create these opportunities if two parties are living in their own narratives. If we extend this to global peacemaking, we can bring parties with different ideologies in mind to create opportunities for peace. Peace is justice, if we are noble in our intentions. Peace does not discriminate. Peace cannot come at the expense of one party.

We can practice both deep listening and loving speech anytime we are with others. When we are aware that we are paying more attention to our inner dialogues than the words from others, we can come back to the breath: “Breathing in, I am calm. Breathing out, I am present.” Meditation and other practices, like writing a love letter to ourselves or others, can also be supportive. My course, “Break Free of The System” will also invite us to practice deep listening and loving speech.

As a Certified Mindfulness Teacher and seasoned media contributor, how do you bring ancient wisdom into modern, often high-stress environments like corporate PR or academic settings?

I’ve noticed that in Western modern society, especially in professional workspaces, we have this tendency to educate with our words; we operate from this assumption that imparting ancient wisdom has to come from words we say, for example, reciting traditional Dharmas or sutras. But even Buddha didn’t want us to simply recite verses of the Dharma – Buddha wanted us to practice them by becoming the living Dharma. Thus, the most truthful way to bring ancient wisdom into any setting is by embodying it.

In high-stress environments where we are at risk of losing sight of our humanity (often at the expense of Ego), embodying such wisdom means embodying compassion, grace, humility, deep listening, and loving speech. It is easy to embody this when I am present with the breath, grounding me back in reality. By embodying this, we are transforming low-vibe ways of being, while simultaneously inviting others to adopt some of this lived wisdom in a way that suits their own experiences.

In your experience, what’s the biggest misconception people have about mindfulness—and how do you reframe it for skeptics?

That it is “fluffy” and “pie in the sky”. This is untrue. Mindfulness invites us to deepen our connection to ourselves, each other, and the world. For example, if we are “fluffy” and “pie in the sky”, we are actually ungrounded. In Buddhism, this is delusion and ignorance. You’ll notice in previous responses, I talked about wars, capitalism, and other very serious topics that are a reality in the world. This is because mindfulness invites me to be grounded in reality.  Additionally, mindfulness is not about meditation. We do not “do” mindfulness. We practice mindfulness through meditation, journaling, self-awareness, etc. but ultimately, we aim to embody mindfulness. In Western society especially, we mostly know of its mental health benefits. While these are great by-products of mindfulness, its intentions are much more noble. Mindfulness is about liberation from suffering. Therefore, we embody mindfulness to deeply touch all suffering – yours, mine, and even suffering from global injustices – so we can transform it.

Can you share a real-life example where practicing empathy or mindfulness transformed a challenging interaction for you?

As someone who feels very deeply connected to humanity, I struggle navigating modern society because I often feel like I am part of other people’s projected realities. Much of this comes from growing up in a household where I was not heard or seen for who I was, only the role I was told to play. This can come up for me in any scenario, and when it does, I have to pause, come back to the breath, recognize what is present, and nurture with self-love and compassion. This often sounds like honouring that there is hurt present, and then reminding myself that while hurt is allowed to be here, in this present moment, there is nothing to be hurt about. I then smile, knowing there is simply more of me to love, and then return to the present moment.

What’s one simple, go-to mindfulness tool we can all use in the moment when we feel emotionally overwhelmed, especially in group settings or social gatherings?

We are “the tool”. The tool is us. We come back home to ourselves every single time we are feeling overwhelmed or ungrounded, regardless of the setting. We do this by coming back to the breath. “Breathing in, I am home. Breathing out, I have arrived”. When I come back home, I witness. I may even explore with curiosity – what is present? What is here? What is needed to transform this? There is always an invitation for transformation when we