Hitting 40, Finding Yourself: How One Mom + Writer Is Redefining Midlife

Mother of four, seasoned journalist, and debut novelist Catalina Margulis is redefining what it means to embrace midlife with grace, grit, and a sense of humour. In her buzzworthy new book Again, Only More Like You, Margulis explores the messy magic of reinvention, female friendship, and self-discovery through the eyes of two best friends on the cusp of 40. We caught up with Catalina to chat about balancing motherhood and identity, drawing fiction from real life, and why turning 40 might just be the beginning of your most powerful chapter yet. —Noa Nichol

Let’s start with your new novel—Again, Only More Like You is described as both hilarious and heartbreaking. What inspired you to tell Carmen and Ally’s story?

My friends and I were approaching 40 and I could see that no matter what side of the parenting divide we were on (married with kids, or living the single life of romance and adventure), we were all struggling to “get it right” – with careers that didn’t really fulfill the dreams we had, as parents still trying to hang on to our dreams, and as single women wondering if their Prince Charming and happily ever after would ever finally arrive.

I thought this story about best friends facing this crossroads at the same time, whose lives had taken them in completely different directions, gave me a nice chance to explore the different trajectories our lives can take and the different existential questions we face—of what are we doing here, and what truly is the path to happiness, love and fulfilment.

You write so insightfully about the complexities of turning 40. In your view, what makes this milestone such a powerful point of reinvention for women?

Thank you! Turning 40 is such a cool time. By now, you’ve lived a whole life, and you can look back and ask, did all my choices ultimately lead me where I want to be. And also, where do I go from here?

For women, it’s especially challenging because of our biological clocks. If you haven’t had kids and still want to, that clock is ticking real loud right about now, and you’re probably asking, Do I give up on that dream? Or do I do it on my own? How badly do I want it?

Most women around this age who do have kids, are faced with the reality of how all-consuming being a mother of a young family is. If you went to college and university and built out a career, it’s probably a struggle to do both at all well.

The struggle is real and the stakes are higher than ever—I think that’s what I find so fascinating and exciting, as an author writing about women in midlife, particularly.

Motherhood, career, identity—many women are juggling it all. How have your own experiences as a mother of four and working writer shaped the themes in your book?

Oh boy, because I can relate to ALL of it! Raising a young family in the suburbs, while juggling a demanding, high-profile job in the city was an impossible balancing act, for me anyway. It inspired me to pursue life as an entrepreneur and business founder, which has been so fulfilling, but isn’t any easier or less demanding, LOL.

I know people read and write books to escape. But when I was going through some of the toughest decisions of my life, I was really craving stories that reflected my situation back to me. Where I could see how those characters were getting through it, and what their hero’s journeys looked like, so I could model mine after them. And I couldn’t find anything.

I hope this story makes women feel seen and appreciated. I hope it gives them hope. And I hope through Carmen and Ally’s stories, they have the courage to reinvent themselves and their lives and know that at any moment, you can start over again—in the best ways possible.

Carmen and Ally have a friendship that’s both comforting and raw. How do you think female friendships evolve as we grow older and face new life chapters?

They get harder! Seriously, maintaining friendships over the years is so harrrrd, especially with work and family getting more and more demanding. It’s so hard to find time together. Also, priorities and values change over time. I think we become more discerning too. We ask ourselves, is this really worth my time? What am I getting out of this anymore anyway? And yet… when things get hard, it’s friendship that pulls us through. And like all relationships, friendships need tending and nurturing. Also, there’s a certain amount of people-pleasing that falls to the wayside as we get older. We care less what other people think, we’re more honest about our feelings and our thoughts, we’re less patient. And this creates some interesting inter-relational dynamics that we must navigate, especially in our friendships.

You’ve had an impressive career in journalism with outlets like ELLE Canada and Today’s Parent. What was the transition like from editorial writing to fiction?

Thank you! I always loved words and books, so that part was easy. But finding the time to write just for fun, without a paycheque or job opportunity at the end of the line, was a big struggle for me for the longest time. To be “selfish” and just give this one thing to myself, with no agenda or expectation. It was a hump I had to get over for sure. Now I see writing as my self care time. And that’s important. It’s so healing and cathartic. I also recognize that I’m an artist and creative type, and I need and deserve this outlet—and this isn’t something I have to wait until I retire to give myself.

That said, writing a novel is a whole other thing and I did have to invest quite a bit of time into my craft to get good at it—and I’m still learning. I don’t think I’ll ever learn enough, and that’s the fun and beautiful thing about this craft. There is so much room to grow. But also, every book meets me and my readers exactly where we’re at.

There’s a lot of pressure on women to ‘have it all’ by a certain age. What message do you hope readers take away from your characters’ journeys in the book?

Totally. Writing this book has healed and released me from a lot of that expectation. As much as I still desire it, I don’t beat myself up for it as much anymore.

Writing this book has really revealed to me the hero’s journey that each of us is on. And the journey is cyclical. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life throws us another curve ball, to keep teaching and growing us.

I hope this book inspires readers to appreciate their journey, to love the mess, have gratitude for the small things and moments, and trust that their best is yet to come—because it really is.

You tackle some heavy themes—identity crisis, romantic disappointment, motherhood burnout—but with humour. How important is humour in both your writing and your life?

It’s everything! The thing that has saved me time and time again is being able to make a joke and laugh at even the hardest moments. Jerry Seinfeld talks about this and I wholeheartedly agree. I love comedy and comedians and think they’re the best as dramatic actors and at pathos—exactly because they appreciate how absurd and tragic life is, but also see the humour in it. Humour brings levity to the darkest moments, and gives us a little bit of a buffer so we don’t become completely overwhelmed by it all. It gives us perspective, and that is the most important thing. It also has an incredibly powerful ability to bond and bring us together. It truly is God’s gift to humans.

What does a typical day look like for you balancing writing, podcasting, and parenting four kids? Do you have any tips for finding time and space for creativity amid the chaos?

Absolutely. I like to dedicate my first awake hours to anything creative, before the world has a chance to get to me and bring me down, LOL. (Kidding, not kidding.) I typically wake up early, pray, meditate, and then tackle whatever writing/creative project I’m working on, until the kids wake up or I need to wake them up. (Of course, I always get carried away and push it as far as I can, so then we’re late for everything.)

What I like about this routine is that it gets my imagination running, so the book will continue to percolate all day. Ideas will bubble up, I’ll take notes on my phone, and then I have even more material to come back to the next morning, so I don’t have to face a blank page.

The cool thing about this routine is that I’ve taken care of myself first—I put the mask on me first, as they instruct on airplanes—and so I’m in overflow for the rest of the day, ready to give and pour into everyone else. It’s great for my mental health and helps me stay positive.

Carmen and Ally’s story is deeply personal—how much of your own life did you channel into this novel, and what was the most cathartic part to write?

A lot. And while Carmen and Ally look a lot like me and my friends on the outside, I filled them in with things people shared with me over the years, making up anything I needed to, to tell a better story.

Still, there’s a lot of me in Carmen, but in Ally too. Though she doesn’t look like me, in order to bring her to life authentically, I really had to go to places that I had buried or forgotten, so I could write from a place of common ground between us.

I’ve been married with kids for a loooong time, so the travel and romance for Ally was probably the most fun to write. While Carmen’s dialogue—getting to say everything I ever wanted to, but held my tongue—was probably the most cathartic.

If readers take one thing with them after finishing Again, Only More Like You, what do you hope it is?

I want them to know that nobody’s life is perfect, no matter what their filtered feed on Instagram shows. We all have struggles at one point or another.

And also, your life is beautiful no matter what—even the messy, ugly, sad parts. I want them to cherish this too, because there’s beauty in there, I’m sure of it.

Mostly, I want them to know that we can reinvent our lives at any age and stage. You never have to grow up. There is no finish line. You don’t have to live the life you chose 5, 10 or 20 years ago for the rest of your life. It’s never too late to make your dreams happen or chase happiness and fulfilment.You can build on what has been, and grow and explore new shoots on the tree of life. You can do it over and over—again, only more like you.