If you’ve ever wondered whether that smile, emoji, or double tap counted as flirting—you’re not alone. A new Tinder survey reveals that while nearly half of Canadian Gen Z singles say they crave more chances to flirt, many admit they’re just not confident doing it. In fact, more than half struggle to recognize when flirting is happening, and one in four say they miss the signs altogether. To help decode the confusion, we sat down with mental health profession and Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) Madison Furgiuele to talk about what’s changed for this generation, why flirting feels so awkward, and how young daters can boost their confidence both online and IRL. —Noa Nichol
1. The survey shows that 91% of Gen Z believe flirting has changed compared to Millennials. From your perspective, what cultural or technological shifts have most influenced this change?
From my perspective, I have noticed a huge shift to online dating in Gen Z’s compared to Millennials. Meeting someone IRL has become much less common, while meeting up with someone online is becoming the new norm. Due to COVID-19, research has found an increase in social anxiety, which may also play a role in hindering Gen Z’s from trying to meet someone offline. The idea of socializing has changed drastically amongst Gen Z’s in comparison to Millennials, as there is a shift towards simplicity – texting over calling, online dating over meeting someone organically.
2. Nearly half of Canadian Gen Z singles say they want more opportunities to flirt, but many lack confidence. Why do you think this generation, in particular, struggles with flirting?
Again, I think the pandemic played a huge role here. I use the term “analysis paralysis” a lot in therapy, as so many people want to date and crave that connection, but are too scared to put themselves out there, leaving them feeling stuck. Online dating can help to reduce this anxiety, as we are still able to make connections without the pressure of initial face-to-face contact. Dating in general can be a scary experience; however, when we take it from a more gradual approach (starting online), this can feel like a more tangible first step.
3. In Vancouver, 61% of respondents cited social anxiety as the biggest barrier. How does social anxiety show up in dating situations, and what tools can help young adults feel more at ease?
Social anxiety can cause people to avoid situations that may result in rejection, negative reactions or ridicule. Each time someone goes on a date, they open themselves up to the possibility of being rejected. In these situations, it is imperative to recognize that dating is about connection. As humans, we are not meant to connect with everyone. It’s natural (and completely normal) to meet someone and think, “you’re not a bad person, but you’re also not my type”. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them or you; it’s just a difference in personality. When we shift our perspective around dating from this need for everyone to like us and start focusing on if we actually like the other person, it helps reduce the fear of rejection.
4. The data shows that 55% of Vancouverites find flirting easier online than in person. What does this say about digital-first communication, and how can singles transfer that confidence into face-to-face interactions?
It’s not surprising to hear that over half of the people prefer flirting online rather than in person. When we are behind a screen, it’s a lot easier to send that risky/flirty text than it would be if we’re face-to-face with the person. The stakes can feel lower when its online messaging as rejection in these situations don’t appear as severe as they would in person. Additionally, I think that digital-first communication can help take some of the pressure off first-dates. When you’ve spoken with the person for a week before your first date, you are able to go into that date with pre-existing topics to discuss, this removes that fear of “what if we have nothing to talk about?” To transfer the confidence from online dating to face-to-face interactions, it’s important to explore what you are truly afraid of. Is it rejection? What’s the worst thing that could happen? I often ask people, “will this impact you five years from now?” Nine times out of ten, the answer is no.
5. Half of Vancouver Gen Z respondents admitted they’re not always sure if someone is flirting with them. What are some common flirting cues—both verbal and non-verbal—that they might be missing?
This can be tricky because everyone is so different! When it comes to online dating, it’s easier to assume that someone is trying to flirt. Overall, research has found that flirting is not so much what is said, but rather, the way it is being said. For example, trying to set up a first date to grab coffee. Research has found that saying things like “you and I should get coffee” compared to “we should get coffee” has shown greater success in securing that first date (Wade, 2018). Both options offer the same thing, however, the way they are said can influence a person’s perception in the early stages of dating. With respect to non-verbal cues, holding eye contact, looking into the other person’s eyes, laughing at their jokes, mirroring their gestures or teasing one another are all signs that your date may be trying to flirt with you.
6. The fear of rejection was another top barrier. What mindset shifts or practical strategies can help young people take rejection less personally and keep flirting fun?
I know it’s cheesy, but rejection really is redirection. I always encourage people going on dates to think of it as an opportunity to see what you do/do not like. This takes the pressure off of wanting the other person to like you, and focuses it back on yourself and what you want out of the experience. Dating doesn’t have to be this big scary thing – it can be an enjoyable experience when we shift our mindset.
7. Two-thirds of Vancouver Gen Zers say they wish flirting felt more natural. How can they reframe flirting so it feels like a light, enjoyable exchange rather than a high-stakes performance?
The more you put pressure on needing to flirt a certain way or trying to do it “perfectly”, the harder it will be. Flirting is supposed to come naturally. This pressure can also be the result of inexperience due to the pandemic – and that’s okay! Practicing on dating apps can get you comfortable with the idea of flirting and feeling more prepared when you’re on that in-person date.
8. With 65% of Vancouverites saying they don’t know how to flirt without being awkward, what are your top tips for embracing vulnerability and turning “awkwardness” into charm?
The reality is that on a first date, you (and your date) are probably nervous. This is NORMAL! Instead of shaming yourself or trying to avoid the awkwardness, it’s okay to acknowledge it. Things are only awkward when we make them. If something happens that feels awkward or embarrassing on the date, rather than beating yourself up about it, laugh it off and try to make a joke out of it. This can take away the feelings of embarrassment and give you both an opportunity for greater connection.
9. The survey shows that men are more likely than women to struggle with initiating flirting IRL. Why do you think gender still plays such a role in flirting dynamics for Gen Z?
Despite significant movement away from traditional gender roles, there is still this pressure that men can experience because of growing up with the message that they are “supposed” to make the first move. Additionally, I think it’s important to remember that dating can be a scary experience for everyone. The good news is that Gen Z is already more open to fluid roles in dating, which means creating space for anyone to start the interaction helps reduce that pressure and makes flirting more balanced.
10. Finally, Tinder is promoting flirting as the spark of every crush-worthy connection. From a mental health perspective, what’s the value of keeping flirting playful and pressure-free in today’s dating culture?
Like I said before, dating isn’t supposed to be a scary experience. It’s normal to feel nervous before a date, but also excited! It is so important to keep flirting playful and pressure-free, otherwise we lose the whole purpose to it – finding genuine connections.
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