How To Ease Back-To-School Jitters: Shantelle Bisson

Back-to-school season isn’t just about sharpened pencils and new sneakers—it can also bring a wave of nerves, especially for kids stepping into a brand-new grade or school. Parenting expert and best-selling author Shantelle Bisson knows firsthand how tough these transitions can be, both for children and parents. With decades of lived experience raising three daughters, she shares compassionate, practical advice on spotting the signs of hidden anxiety, using the right words to comfort your child, and turning fear of change into excitement for the year ahead. —Noa Nichol

What are some subtle signs parents might miss that a child is struggling with a school transition—even if they’re not saying it out loud?

The first thing I want to say to every single parent reading this is that I see you, I am you, and I know that you spend most of your day worrying that you’re not doing anything right. And even when you follow your instincts, maybe that little voice of doubt gets validated by something you see on social media. I know you’re giving it you’re all, and as a mom who has been there, I’m sending a ton of encouragement your way.

Subtle signs that parents might miss about a struggling child during school transition include self-isolation, eating less at mealtime, or becoming more irritable and having a shorter fuse. It takes a lot for a child struggling with their emotions to recognize and voice their experience. An excellent tool for parents when trying to assess if their child may be struggling is to look inward and ask: “How do I normally deal with transition? Do I enjoy or loathe it?” When a parent unpacks how they cope, there is a good chance your child may exhibit one, if not all of their parent’s coping mechanisms, because as we know, children are our mirrors. 

For parents who want to be supportive but not intrusive, what’s the best way to open up a conversation about school-related anxiety?

A great way to open up a conversation about school-related anxiety is to ask open-ended questions rather than pointed ones. This allows space for a child to share their emotions instead of feeling pressure to give a parent the answer they think they want. Often, a child will tell a parent what they think is the right answer to protect their parent from worry, upset, or stress due to what that child has witnessed from how their parent has reacted to difficult times in the past. In the same way we try to protect our kids from our life challenges, they return the favour, exchanging truth for empathy. As a mom, I’ve found that asking generic questions about their day and how they’re doing are much better conversation starters. Mom hack: I always found that a great place for these conversations was, and still is, in the car!

You talk about reframing anxiety into excitement—can you walk us through how that works in real life with a worried child?

I was an anxious child at school. I was bullied, so going to school was riddled with uncertainty and fear. One thing my mom did that I’ve carried on with my girls is creating back-to-school traditions, such as spreading out our shopping to ease the mental load. We also made sure to enroll in after-school activities so that days would end on a positive note, no matter what happened at school. Creating rituals, traditions, and distractions from the negative element allows the child to create a new mental framework. 

Another great way to support a child is to teach them the tools to manage anxiety. Knowing how to self-soothe when a wave of anxiety hits is an effective strategy when you’re not there to support them physically, such as breathwork or visualization. Writing down their feelings or making a list of what’s worrying them can help release the mental load of anxiety. As each scenario doesn’t materialize, have your child scratch that off their list. Once they are home with you, look over the list together and talk about it. It will, without a doubt, give them a sense of inner confidence that most of what they fret over will never come to fruition. This will build self-trust and help them to understand that intrusive thoughts are not reality.

How can parents differentiate between ‘normal’ back-to-school nerves and something more serious, like chronic anxiety or a fear of failure?

As a parent who has failed in recognizing this, you can never go too far in aiding a child in dealing with anxieties. One way to determine if it is strictly related to back-to-school nerves or something more chronic is to pay attention to when the nerves come and go. For example, once they adjust to their school routine, do you notice that the child settles down, and those anxieties dissipate? Or does it carry on many weeks after school has started? If it persists, it may be time to speak to somebody who can support your child in developing tools for dealing with chronic anxiety. I always suggest that parents pay attention to their child’s diet, which includes what they ingest physically and emotionally. If you have a kid who spends a lot of time on screens, start by dialling those activities back and cutting sugar out, and watch their mental health begin improving. As parents, we don’t give enough credit to the damage high sugar and screen addiction create in our kids, and what an easy fix completely removing, or limiting these can be in correcting anxiety for kids who may be more susceptible to it.

What role does our own parental stress play in how kids perceive transitions—and how can we keep our own emotions in check?

Our kids are sponges, not just in their early years, but for their entire lives. What we don’t heal or deal with rolls downhill on them. We may think we’re pulling the wool over their eyes in hiding our stress, but we’re not. I have learned the hard way that delaying inner work on myself prolongs the time my children spend being shaped by my ego and inner wounded child. So rather than “keeping their emotions in check,” parents should prioritize healing and addressing their struggles, so they don’t have to suppress or hide their emotions. Instead, they become a shining example of what it means to be human, which is that none of us is perfect, and it is never too late to change, grow, and apologize for our past mistakes. Suppose we’re worried or living out all types of scary scenarios before they even happen to our children. In that case, we’re going to put our irrational fears on them, not even allowing them to experience life through their own experience, because they’re going to be already programmed to live it through our imaginary one. So, parents, deal with your emotional baggage so it doesn’t become theirs.

Are there any phrases or language patterns you recommend avoiding when trying to comfort a child who’s scared about the new school year?

Absolutely! The very first thing I recommend a parent stop doing is asking negative questions. The obvious one is: “Are you nervous about going back to school?” Chances are, your kid hadn’t even thought about being nervous until you put it in their head. The best questions to ask are those that focus on positive outcomes. As an example, “What can’t you wait to do when you get back to school?” or “What have you missed the most about school?” Remove the fear from your narrative, and lead conversations about going back to school from a place of wonder, adventure, and joy. The beautiful thing about this is that while we’re educating our kids on the power of seeing life as they want it to be, training them to get into the habit of focusing on the good in life first, we’re also training ourselves to do the same. 

You’ve parented three daughters through many school transitions—what’s one moment that surprised you and taught you something new about resilience or emotional connection?

I have so many examples of moments in time that I was surprised and in awe of my girls’ resilience. If I had to pick one that pertained to all three, it would be how they stood up to being the new kids over and over again, due to having to change schools too many times because of my husband’s acting career. Every time he got a new show or was between gigs, we had to move; it often meant changing neighbourhoods and schools. It wasn’t easy, and they struggled, but the experience taught them how to adapt to different people and find their voice and place in new social groups, which was inspiring. I know it created other difficulties for them, but for the most part, they were able to find their place in their world, no matter where they went, and that surprised me because I felt like an outsider through a lot of my own school experiences.

How do school transitions affect different age groups, from kindergarteners to high schoolers—and do you approach these transitions differently as a parent?

School transitions affect children differently depending on their age. The stress a child feels at four or five years old is significantly different than how they can express themselves as they grow and mature. Not only does your child’s ability to decipher what is stressful to them or not, but the weight of growing up in and of itself can be stressful to many kids. Then add to that the social hierarchy of school life, and transitions can be downright debilitating for a child who feels all things deeply. Meeting our children where they are at is paramount in aiding a child through transition. This will show up differently if you have more than one child, as it did in my parenting journey. It’s essential to guide each of your kids in a way that feels like a safe place to land for them. I talk about this a lot in my books, Raising Your Kids Without Losing Your Cool and Parenting Your Teen Without Losing Your Cool. The best thing a parent can do during an upcoming transition time in a child’s life is to let them know you are in their corner. Make sure they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have got them. But not in that weird helicopter parenting way. In that healthy way, I am walking alongside you, ready to lend a supportive hand whenever you need it.

For families starting a new routine, how important is structure—and how can we build it without overwhelming our kids (or ourselves)?

The best advice I can give to parents is to start the new routine slowly before the upcoming transition becomes their new reality. What I found was a massive game changer, especially when it came to going back to school, was winding back the carefree schedule of summer two weeks out from the first day. We began eating dinner earlier to accommodate our upcoming extracurricular and homework schedules. I also started rolling back the time the girls went to bed every night, incrementally, over a few days. By the time two weeks had passed and school was about to begin, they were already adjusted to their new schedule. The best way to have a successful transition for anything in life is to prepare for it in bite-sized chunks rather than going from zero to one hundred in one fell swoop. I also found it helpful to engage my girls in conversations about the upcoming transition and involve them, so they felt a sense of power over their destiny. They didn’t feel like they were being blown in the wind without any structure, security, or understanding of the upcoming events.

What’s one piece of advice you wish every parent knew when it comes to helping their child not just survive but thrive through change?

It is our role as parents to lead our children through life. They are watching us and emulating us. So heal yourself. Deal with your own fears and worries or negative attachments to change so that you can raise hearty, brave, resilient humans. They are looking to us for guidance, so why not guide them with a sense of wonder and excitement rather than one of dread? Do them the favour of giving them more credit, and do not baby them. They have an uncanny ability to sniff out BS, so don’t think you’re hiding anything from them. Heal and deal, and give them the chance to thrive and shine with the knowledge that change is good. Change is exciting. Change is fun. What you believe they believe, so choose your beliefs wisely.